To all of you couples now eligible for tax breaks and a bureaucratically-recognized thing for one another, I’m raising the drinks I’m double-fisting. A toast to you, from one of the most awesome – and non-hetero-normative bands ever – The Magnetic Fields.

Also raising the drinks is “This American Life.” On their newly redesigned website, you can find the episode, “81 Words,” a beautiful and fascinating story about how the American Psychological Association decided – because, apparently, a group of old white straight men can just decide this sort of thing – that homosexuality is not a disease.

Here’s a glass raised, from one white married straight man to everyone getting married, be you the same or otherwise. I wish you the absolute best in life.

It’s gotten to the point that the rumors themselves have become an more important news story than what they might be about or whether they’re true.

If the rumors are the news, how do you report them while making sure that Paterson’s “alleged misconduct” doesn’t get shortened to “misconduct?” Well, we just use the word “alleged.”

The difference between "alleged misconduct" and "misconduct" is that we KNOW Fleetwood Mac all slept with one another in a bed made of pure cocaine.

But this story is more complicated than that. Gov. Paterson hasn’t been accused of anything. His ‘alleged misconduct’ hasn’t been alleged yet – the rumors are merely that the New York Times is going to publish a story laying those rumors bare.

What that means is this: David Paterson, governor of the state of New York, is under fire for rumored alleged misconduct.

WTF, news media, WTF?

At least “All Things Considered” has the decency and wherewithal to report the story as it is and investigate how it got that way. It even includes this truly classic public radio line: “This truly is the scandal that dare not say its name — because nobody really knows what the heck it is.”

It’s a perfect walk on the balance beam between reporting rumors and sussing out why we love rumors.

The lesson I’ve learned from NPR’s story? More questions.

• Can we please wait for something to become a story before making these premature ejaculations of reportage into a completely new story?
• Or has the New York Times succumbed to the same pathetic tactic of terrible Hollywood blockbusters and cult TV shows?
• Are they building undeserved hype in the name of selling papers?
• Are they trying to sex up their political coverage?

I know times are rough for newspapers, but I’m not so sure that hiking up the Gray Lady’s skirt is the way to fix it.

This image is way more awesome at WhereIsBalloonBoy.com. See it there.

I mean, not only was he and his family on ABC’s “Wife Swap,” not only did he star in a totally awesome rap video with his brothers, but today, Falcon Henne goes down in history not just as an insanely awesome kid with warped parents, but as the kid who pulled off the best get-out-of-trouble diversion of all time.

(I’m happy for you, Baby Jessica, and Imma let you finish…)

Richard Heene, the boy’s father – who thinks he’s found buildings on Mars – said

[T]he family was working to launch the balloon Thursday morning, and he yelled at Falcon for playing in it.

The boy says he hid in the rafters of the family’s garage because he was scared when his dad yelled.

Which sounds sad, but really, who hasn’t hid in a box when they were in trouble as a kid? I definitely did.

I just never thought to unleash a 20-foot flying saucer shaped balloon as a diversion.

Kid is brilliant.

And I think I need to change my halloween costume.

(Also, it may be in poor taste, and it’s certainly terribly obvious, but I’ve had Robyn Hitchcock’s “Balloon Man” stuck in my head all day.)

There’s some good news, though – the Two Way has a post from a few days ago that says that the first swine flu vaccine is going to be available on Oct. 5. Yes, please – sign me up. I don’t care how much I hate needles – I’ve had the flu before, and I hate it more.

Also, I would be completely remiss if I didn’t mention a song that I heard today about swine flu. It’s by a local Memphis rapper named Sir Vince and it’s called “Swine Flu” (original, I know). Even if you’re not really into rap, take a listen – it’s kind of incredible in it’s suggestions. It’s a PSA you can shake your ass to .

I was very sleepy.

It seems that NPR’s story on the topic (from the 21st) was similarly confounding for Jack Degolia. If that’s how you spell his name. He wrote in a letter to “All Things Considered,” “I had no clue what the story was about. Computer jargon was tossed about as if we all understand it.”

I tried to track down the story, which Degolia said he listened to several times online before he realized he didn’t get it. If that’s the case, then he’s a little more savvy than I am. It took me forever to find the story. It’s buried in a related story, but one that doesn’t involve the phrase “Net Neutrality” in its title, and therefore, doesn’t show up in a search for that phrase. (SEO FAIL.)

As I said, I listened to the story. It’s Neda Ulaby reporting, and it sounds almost like Degolia decided he didn’t understand once he heard the word “computer.” Now, to be fair, I make my living from the Internet. And if you’re reading this, odds are good that you aren’t terrified of the blinking electrons that turn into the ones and zeros that make your million-color screens interesting to look at.

But still, it seems that some people are scared of technology – not in the sense of luddites – in the sense that they’re afraid to feel stupid.

Honestly, if you gain nothing else from working online, you develop a complete comfort with the fact that you can know hardly anything about the internet, a complete comfort with feeling stupid.

So, Jack Degolia: I understand your frustration, it’s normal. That’s why there are search engines. And that’s why you make Facebook friends with smart people.

But I’m not sure I hear the same jargon you hear.

Just to check: I’ve compiled a list:

Jargon mentioned in Neda Ulaby’s story:

• The Internet
• Telecommunications
• sharing information
• pages
• entrepreneurs (only included because it was said in an unintelligible, yet pretentious manner)
• preserve
• Internet
• openness
• Net Neutrality
• open architecture
• software
• device
• cell phones

If most of the world didn’t already know him as a dictator and harborer of terrorists (if not himself a terrorist, I’d probably hail the speech as comedic genius.

"UN Building, shrouded in mist" by Dean Ayers, Flickr

He speaks f0r 1 1/2 hours – long enough for his interpreter to just give up and call for backups. He refers to “the United States of America of Africa,” does no favors for reasonable Americans when he promises support for a lifetime presidency for Obama, and demands answers – real answers – about the Kennedy assassination.

It’s actually completely hilarious. At least until you realize he’s serious.

President Obama also spoke to the U.N. today, but he stepped out before Gadhafi began. In fact, even “Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and U.S. Ambassador Susan Rice exited the room before the speech, leaving low-level note-takers in their places to hear the speech.”

It sounds like the ‘low-level note-takers’ probably had the better time.

But as I turned the car off of Poplar and on to I-240 to begin my drive in earnest, something terrible happened. I decided I wanted to listen to the news. So I switched the Ronnettes off and “All Things Considered” on.

To hear Neda Ulaby telling me that Ellie Greenwich had died.

Who, you ask, was Ellie Greenwich?

Only the greatest songwriter you’ve never heard of. Songs with her name in the credits include not only “Be My Baby,” but also “Da Do Ron Ron,” “Chapel of Love,” and what is (easily) one of the five greatest songs ever recorded: “Leader of the Pack.”

"Motorcycle Funerals" by Gingerbeardman on Flickr

I felt so helpless, like Betty from the song, what could I do, remembering all that Greenwich’s songs and I have been through?

At work today, they all stopped and stared. I can’t hide the tears, and I don’t care. I’ll never forget you, Ellie Greenwich.

[Is it wrong to be somewhat disappointed that she died peacefully, rather than going out in the dramatic fashion of the girl group subgenre she inspired, the Dead Boyfriend Song?]

Scientists in the Philippines are working on some innovative new strains of rice, that rice procurement may be easier and prevent famine in places like Bangladesh.

"Sivaris Rice" by DesignBliss-Flickr

Wait a minute.

Try comparing this text, from today’s story:

In the past, plants bred to resist the fungus-produced rice that didn’t taste good. But the new genetic discovery should make it possible to combine resistance and good taste, says Shuichi Fukuoka from the National Institute of Agrobiological Sciences in Tsukuba.

Susan McCouch, a professor of plant breeding and genetics and of plant biology at Cornell University, says the new research represents “a great day for rice genetics.”

The papers show that scientists really can help prevent famines, McCouch says. But she adds that rice genetics could help improve the quality of rice, as well as the quantity.

To this text, which now sounds even more like public radio prophecy:

… as much as the [Bangladeshi] food grain collection and monitoring committees say they wanted to try something new and different and daring with their rice mills, it was maybe just too scary, just out of their comfort zone, different from the way they had always done rice procurement. And by the way, you have to wonder about the message this gives to anyone in the future who even thinks about looking towards the food grain collection and monitoring committees as a place for innovation, as a laboratory for experimentation. Most grain experts, even if you dabble in biomechanical engineering, you’ll tell others that, you know, rice sometimes needs time to cultivate, especially a hybrid strain. It’s kind of a sad thing in the area of rice procurement.

Mike Pesca, though the rice procurement just can’t be kept down, we bow before your insight, foreknowledge, and wisdom. May your reign over humanity be long, peaceful, and informative.

The awesome Laura Conaway notes, in this “Planet Money” blog post, that “In its letter, Goldman acknowledges using high-frequency trading but writes that its systems don’t see ‘client order flow.’”

I’m not sure exactly what that means, but I’m thinking Goldman is admitting guilt, even as they try to assuage it. I would know.

That’s my usual tactic when I decide that yes, I’m guilty of something, anything, but that I still deserve to defend myself.

Bad news for Goldman-Sachs: it doesn’t work.

A few weeks ago, I posted about a giant traffic barrel statue that a college student made. In the story’s comments, there’s a sharp divide between people who think that the barrel monster is awesome and people who think that the artist should be prosecuted for stealing the barrels (and, previously, a boat).

Today, there was a story about real people filling in for a missing statue in Trafalgar Square around the clock for 100 days. While the people are up on the pedestal, they can do whatever they please. To me, this sounds like a really awesome, creative and democratic way to get people involved in art. I wish we had some empty statue bases around here.

But, not everyone agrees – a visiting Canadian quoted in the story thinks it’s a bit of a joke, not at all art. The two comments on the story are divided – one person thinks it’s a cool idea (even if there’s no clear “artist”) and the other wants to know why this is even newsworthy.

How do you define art? Can you define art? Do you think all public radio listeners (or hell, all people) fall into one of two camps when it comes to art?