1. Get Bob a better microphone. For the last few weeks, it’s sounded like Bob has been coming to us live, under water and in space.

2. Continue to call BS on the people who are supposed to be calling BS. I’m a big fan of this week’s story about the biggest media mistakes from 2009. You guys are making it clear that the watchmen need to do just a little bit better job policing themselves.

3. Hire the rogue. Seriously – If you’re going to continue to watch the watchmen, you guys should hire 19 year old guerilla fact checker Daniel Lipman.

4. Keep teaching us valuable life lessons (like how to ambush the unsuspecting). Make sure we know all of the little things we need to know before trying your life lessons – like tag teaming an ambush so that bathroom breaks are possible.

5. Let Brooke say “snuggie” more. It’s super cute when she says it. You can totally hear her grinning.

Happy New Year, everybody. May you get everything you ask for in 2010 (including that Washmatic you’ve always wanted).

This recap was written by Kerry and edited by Matthew, who tried to make a snuggie for our hyper, 75-pound dog last night. It was as hilarious as you’d think it would be.

Brooke Gladstone’s “The Civil (Book) War” from Radio Sweethearts on Vimeo.

I just downloaded the audio, and threw some photos from Google into iMovie for the “Ken Burns Effect.” There you go. Thank me later.

This week’s On the Media recap was more facilitated than written by Matthew without the express consent or prior knowledge of Kerry.

Sort of like how I just did, back there.

Anyway, I don’t know what’s up with Bob being away from his regular microphone – and I know that coupling a decent microphone with Skype can result in some pretty nice sound quality, but it sounds like Bob Skyped in over dial-up using his computer’s built-in microphone – after first recording his part of the show on an Edison cylinder.

(It wasn’t that bad. Over speakers in the kitchen, I didn’t notice the decrease in quality that Bob bemoans – and though I did notice when listening on headphones, I think it’s because I’ve begun listening for that kind of thing. (I’ve edited so much audio in the last few months, that I’ve begun to be able to read waveforms like you’re reading these words here.)

(Also, Bob, Brooke, Katya – you don’t know bad audio quality until you’ve had to edit something recorded via BlogTalk Radio.)

Bob felt that his audio quality was apparently bad enough that Bob needed Brooke to read the intro to his first story for him, as though she were reading him a bedtime story to help him sleep after a long playdate with a friend from preschool.

But what’s really bad is the blatant plagarism that “On the Media” unintentionally reveals at the end of the episode. There’s apparently a play about the closing of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, in which – well, we’ll just let Brooke explain it:

BROOKE GLADSTONE: One of my favorite scenes is this reporter calling a politician and they are narrating their subtext.

[CLIP]:

ACTOR AS FEMALE REPORTER: Indirect question.

ACTOR AS COUNCILMAN: Insincere confusion about the point of the question.

ACTOR AS FEMALE REPORTER: Restatement of question.

ACTOR AS COUNCILMAN: Off-topic comment.

ACTOR AS FEMALE REPORTER: Same question.

ACTOR AS COUNCILMAN: Deep rumination and troubled contemplation.

ACTOR AS FEMALE REPORTER: Same question.

ACTOR COUNCILMAN: Mmm, complicated reasons why the question itself can’t be addressed as posed.

Now, this is no ‘indirect question’ I’m about to ask. It’s really closer to a direct accusation. In fact, it’s not a question at all. It’s a statement, because it’s a fact, and there’s nothing I can do to blunt that. I can only delay it, and I’ve done too much of that already.

This section of the play is lifted more or less directly from the 10th act of the “This American Life’s” episode, “20 Acts in 60 Minutes.” It’s about 25 minutes in, you can find the episode here. And try and tell me that it’s not dubious.

This week’s highlights reel was written by Matthew, much later than it should have been, and, if it had it been edited by Kerry, would have included the disclaimer that it’s probably no more plagarism than it would be if someone else started a public radio fanblog.

"Truck Vs Macbook Pro" by Jase n tonic

In the middle of an otherwise sane conversation about computer programs that construct news stories as search engine fodder, Bob – unprovoked – begins shouting nonsense.

This is the second time that I’ve ever pulled a clip out of a radio show for discussion here. I hope it’s the last time I need to do this with Bob:

“Take that, Computers! Only humans can write poetry!”

I want you to notice some things about this outburst:

1. Notice the slurred voice. Not so much in, “Take that, Computers!” but in “Only humans can write poetry!” Either Bob’s coffee is in need of a sniff-test, 0r he found an old Quaalude stash. Or his mind is slipping.

2. Notice that the interviewee, like a good radio guest, repeats what he was saying before he was interrupted – which means the crazy could have been edited out.

3. The crazy could have been edited out, and “On the Media,” as we have teased them before, is edited… by Brooke. Brooke left that in there for a reason.

Kerry and I conferred on the possible motivations for such actions: maybe there’s a bet as to who can sell the most books. Maybe Bob is really just going that crazy from having his love for Brooke go unrequited for so long.

Or maybe – and this is my preferred theory – Bob has just discovered that the government-issued rations, provided by the Soylent Corporation, are actually processed from the bodies of humans who have either become to aged to contribute to a starved society or who just have t0o difficult a time living so far below the poverty line. But now that he knows, he must, at all costs, risk his job with the police force to let the world know that it’s people! Soylent Green is people! You must tell them, oh the humanity!

That, or Brooke just wanted her intelligent, well thought out piece on Nabokov’s unfinished novel to sound even more reasoned and insightful than it would have otherwise. Which, holy crap, would sound reasoned and insightful anyway – she insists that a literary critic justify the fact that he considers Kafka to be an exception to an arbitrary rule.

By the way, I’ve always pronounced “Nabokov” “Nab-0-KAV,” whereas Brooke pronounces it “Na-BOK-off.” Who’s right? And who, other than the Nabokov family decides that?

This “On the Media” Highlights post was written by Matthew, for once in the presence of Kerry, who, while hearing Matthew edit the clip above, just sighed, “Thank God there’s an us, protecting public radio from itself.”

I remember using my limited computer time at my dad’s house to pull as many songs from Napster as possible, then burning them to CDs that are still in my old desk at my mom’s house. Things have come a long way since 1999, but people still don’t want to pay for something that they can get so easily for free and record labels still don’t know what to do about it.

In this week’s story about how music is charted, Mark Phillips points out that there’s been an upswing in the purchase of records  by middle-aged people. It seems like he’s trying to say that only said middle-aged people are still buying physical CDs. That’s not the case – I think those charts just measure what CDs are currently for sale at the Starbuck’s register.

I pay for music. Matthew and I both have subscriptions to eMusic, an awesome (and affordable) mp3 subscription service. Currently, we have about 450 vinyl records between us (a number that will likely continue to rise, especially after we get better speakers). We go to shows. But sometimes, I pull a track or two from hypemachine to test out a new band.Usually, if the band is good, I buy the record.

This week’s show also tackles a question that’s been on my mind for the last year: how exactly has GirlTalk not gotten sued yet?

This week’s On the Media is a departure from the show’s normal format. It’s hosted by Rick Carr, who does a pretty decent job until the sign off. Where Bob sounds all adorable and lovesick while sighing Brooke’s editing credit, Rick Carr just comes off as creepy. Or mocking. Or like he’s got Bob shoved into a locker somewhere.

This recap was written by Kerry, who’s back to her normal posting duties after two weeks of work travel. It was edited, sort of, by Matthew, who provided lots of colorful interjections while the podcast was on.

This effect is most pronounced when the person talking needs to explain the relevance of the subject. One of the greatest strengths of “Planet Money” is that the show’s staff is learning along with the rest of us. They’re able to explain in layman’s terms why news is important because they’re laymen themselves.

You’ll notice that “Marketplace” doesn’t take this tack. They assume you already know why almost any story having to do with money is important – money, after all, makes the world go round.

That’s great for people who already know a lot about money, just as the “Writer’s Almanac” is great for people who already care about literature, but neither program does a damn thing to explain why their subject is important, let alone bring you up to speed if you’re coming around.

Normally, Brooke, Bob, and everyone on the “On the Media” staff does a remarkable job of clueing the listener in on why their stories are interesting and relevant. Which means I need to expand a little bit on something I said last night.

I said both “the story tends to drone on into one of Bob’s favorite topics” and “Brooke, too, falters a little bit (to my ears) when talking about one of her favorite topics.”

Sadly, when they get to report on stories that they’re passionate about the result is lackluster – though their enthusiasm shines through, their real strength lies in getting us to care. When the host already cares passionately about their subject, it’s easy to forget that the audience doesn’t automatically agree.

I know that I’m not innocent of this. I like serious poetry, and I care deeply about the craft and literary criticism. But if I start talking about it to Kerry without illustrating why it’s important to the conversation, I’m met with either a blank stare or the sentence “stop being pretentious.”

Nevermind that pretentiousness implies to me a sense of forced superiority, not the excited feeling of “hey, I really like talking about this, let’s talk about this, come on, let’s go!”

Public radio – when you get past the smooth and smarmy voices – is full of people like me, who are curious and eager to just explore the world, figure out how it fits together, and to learn why that’s important. And it’s at its best when it’s slightly out of its area of expertise.

It happens. I’ve been feeling way under the weather, Kerry’s been out of town, I fell asleep at the table around 10 p.m. Sunday. Excuses, Excuses.

It makes me wonder what would happen if behavioral advertising could see my real life. Would they sell me Ambien or No-Doz? Or would all of the ads I see be for media provided free of charge, with the request to donate if I’m getting value out of it?

Which leaves me to interrupt my own post to let you know that our local public radio station, WKNO, has just started their fall pledge drive. You’ve heard the stuff about value, less than a cup of coffee, thank you gifts, all that.

If you’re anything like me, you’re deaf to that drivel. You donate to public radio because you’ve been listening for years, because the guilt is crushing, and because you want people like Bob Garfield and Brooke Gladstone (and Justin Willingham) to eat.

Also because they keep interrupting my favorite programs. And they’ll end the drive when they reach their goal. And I want my “Morning Edition” back. Go to WKNO, donate. Or find your own local NPR affiliate, and toss them a few bucks.

Anyway. Behavioral advertising. Bob does a story on a study conducted by UPenn Professor Joseph Turow, and he totally geeks out about “Nightmare Scenarios” – which Turow defines as “the digitization of all media and their interconnection.” That actually sound really cool to me. I love the iTunes genius feature – though not as much as making my own mix tapes – because of how it draws unexpected connections between songs.

Much as I did just there, Bob veers a little off topic – rather than keep the conversation on behavioral targeting (which doesn’t work quite like Bob says anyway) and why it skeeves people out – the story tends to drone on into one of Bob’s favorite topics – wondering aloud why people surrender their privacy.

Brooke, too, falters a little bit (to my ears) when talking about one of her favorite topics. We know her to be a little bit of a geek. She’s professed to us to be WNYC’s resident Star Trek expert, and she likes Dungeons and Dragons. We have to assume she was absolutely beside herself when interviewing Dmitri Williams about how the Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game, “Everquest II,” works to provide better social research than available just about anywhere.

It’s interesting, I guess, but I have very little invested in it. I barely even find it to be curious that people behave like they normally behave while playing role playing games, especially when dealing with economic decisions.

It’s clear here that Brooke is feeling no small amount of glee just talking about “Everquest,” and it’s quite fetching, but I just can’t relate in this case.

Today’s OTM highlights post was written by Matthew with no input from Kerry, who like to walk up to me while I’m trying to write, and breathlessly whisper with a vaguely British accent: “From all corners of the world heroes are being called to join the quest that will decide the fate of Norrath.”

"Failure of the Money Program" by Andy ? Beez, Flickr

Hey, it looks like we’ve some new rules to play by, but we’ve been pretty good about abiding by them anyway – basically, you can’t be shilling something as a blogger without being up front about it.

You all know that we’re not paid to do this, right? That we don’t make a damn thing from the words we plug in here?

Because we aren’t. And we don’t. If we’re sent a tip, we let you know where it came from.

The only thing I don’t think we’ve reported is that when Brooke Gladstone came to Memphis a couple weeks ago, she insisted on buying our drinks at the Cove.

I tried to sneak my card to the bartender without her noticing, but it didn’t work. Some people just aren’t cut out for the ninja life.

But that was just a totally cool gesture of friendship anyway, not payment for services rendered. Because, really, I don’t know exactly who we’re pulling in with this blog, other than people who work in or are already obsessed with public radio. It’d be a terrible advertising/marketing tool, this blog. We’re preaching to the choir.

We write about and make fun of public radio because we love it, and only because we love it. That said, if someone at NPR, PRI, APM, or PRX wanted to give us money to write about them, we’d do it.

Hell, if they asked nicely for us to write about a new program, or even just an new story, we’d do it.

Seriously, drop us a line. We’re game.

Just thought I’d get that out there, because it sounded like Bob was looking our way during the whole “Endorsement Deal” piece.

This week’s recap was written by Matthew without any input from Kerry, who is currently in NYC on business, trying not to slip into Roller Derby Mode in Times Square. (The part about diving through people is fine; it’s the part about hip-checking strangers she has trouble with.)

In honor of the show’s 50th birthday, Brooke geeks out with Larry Kassan, founder of the Rod Serling Video Festival. I love it when Brooke pulls out her total inner nerd. You get the sense that one of the reasons that Bob can’t get through to her is that she’s always in some other dude’s basement, watching Star Trek and playing D&D.

Also this week, there’s a story for those of us who feel like we’re shouting into vacuums with our blogs and Web sites. It’s really interesting and makes a lot of good points about the internet and democracy.  There’s also a story about the Distracted Driving Summit. Which, did we really need to have a summit about that? Y’all know that texting while driving is bad, right?

All in all, it was a pretty tame week on OTM. No crazy theme music, no longing sighs, no flirty interviews or journalistic smackdowns. Sometimes, calm is good.

Listening to this week’s show, I had a realization about my listening habits. Actually, it could be OTM’s show formatting. It occurred to me that I rarely pay attention to the first and second story. It seems like the show front loads all of their super topical newsy stories and leans towards feature stories as the show progresses. Is that just me? Do y’all hear that, too?

This week, it took me until the story about the U.S.’s first internet addiction clinic (the appropriately named Restart) to start really getting into the show.

The two standout stories for the week were the last two, which were both about language. One was about a new version of the New International Version Bible that changes all of those pesky uses of “man” to “human beings” and changes God to a “they” rather than a “He”, a move that apparently made a lot of people angry. Personally, I like it. The excerpts that were read on the show made me a lot less stabby than other translations that assume that men are the example gender.

The second story was about the evolution of the dictionary. Apparently, old ye dictionaries didn’t include obscenities. Also, I can’t believe  I didn’t know about Merriam-Webster’s open source dictionary. The open source dictionary includes a lot of words that will likely never make it into the real thing (malvertising, frugalista, ambisextrous). I give 10 points to whichever NPR reporter uses “ambisextrous” first. Place your bets on who that will be in the comments.

This recap was written by Kerry. Matthew was absent (much like Bob), which meant that instead of having someone staring at me all moon-eyed and plucking lint from my sweater, I got to concentrate on listening to the show and writing this recap. The downside is that my sweater is still linty.